Not just to the end of our first season but also to the bottom of two bottles of Trinidadian rum. As promised, in our last episode, we had a shot anytime one of our ride or die interruptions piped up. We came into this fully expecting the elevator to be our greatest foe but alas! twas Boni and her lumberjack snore that almost rendered us incoherent.
Our heads were ready to bust open by the end of this and we’ve vowed to never do it again.
First up, Susana takes us through the most heart wrenching case of child abuse we’ve ever heard of. If you know, you know and if you do know, bring the tissues because it never gets easier to hear what this baby had to go through in his short life. Susana ends her case with a little vigilante justice …and nobody can find it in them to be torn up about it.
As for Shaunelle, with her cases closing the episode (to be read: with her cases presented after she was 6 shots deep) a certain degree of slurred speech ought to be expected. With that said, she brings us the case of Za’zel Preston and what may amount to the worst Christmas morning….ever. Then she closes off the season with a very short, but potentially wholesome story about bringing the Christmas spirit.
It’s a heavy one and unfortunately timed with our promise of inebriation. We want to clearly and boldly state that the moments of levity in no way mean we are poking fun at an incredibly dark case and serious issue.
***Also Susana disrespected us all by repeatedly shaking her legs at the end of the episode due to a leg cramp.
If you asked us what didn’t interrupt us this week, we’d have a shorter explanation. You name it, we had it: door slams, elevator pings, ambulance sirens, crazy Pomeranian bedtime routines…all the B.S packed into one short episode.
*Due to an appointment and no other time to record, we do our very best to corral our opinions but Susana is pissssssed so you should expect a Venezuelan rant …or five.
Up first, with a truly angering recount of a case that screams (just SCREAMS) privilege!!! Susana delves into the disgusting case of Christopher Belter and the multiple rapes he perpetrated. We thought our disgust reached it’s peak learning about the remorseless way in which he carried out his crimes, but it went thermonuclear when we found out he had enablers every step of the way.
If you can believe it, it gets worse because that ole bitch, lady justice, swept in only to disappoint, as usual. Who’s surprised?!…Not us!
Then, on a slightly lighter note Shaunelle’s case is all about romance…online romance, that is. When 19 year old Marissa Williams’ relationship with her aunt turned sour she sought out the one person she thought she could trust, her new online love. Her plans for retribution were unexpectedly foiled and Marissa was caught by the long arm of the law. Who sold her out? and who the hell put a hit out on the family dog?!
All will be unpacked in this crazy tale of family drama, betrayal and attempted dogicide.
Happy to report we got our audio mixing sorted…please proceed to the wildness within.
We’re back with the B.S this week ! First of all, our case titles may be misleading. So to manage your expectations we’re going to go right ahead and say that there’s absolutely no threesome / sex happening on a baseball field in this episode. We’re sorry if that’s disappointing.
Shaunelle is up first with a story of misadventure in dating. When Heidi Carter decided to participate in a ménage à trois she may have bitten off more than she could chew….especially since she wasn’t exactly single at the time. The story disintegrates from there and we enter a confusing tale of drama, a possible set-up, rape , murder and the recurring theme of why oh why can’t people have honest sex?!
Then Susana does us all proud as she delves into case made famous by the Netflix documentary, Long Shot. Whatever you thought you knew, throw it out the window. When Juan Catalan was hauled to jail for a murder he repeatedly pleaded his innocence however, police wouldn’t believe him. After all, he was identified by several witnesses as the murderer. It seemed like Juan was headed straight to prison but fate had a home run in the cards.
Click play / download to join us on a wild ass ride!
***Also, enjoy the relaxing thuds in the background which are actually Susana’s nervous knees going under the table.
We’re back with our bread and butter this week so on deck it’s a heavy case of injustice and an unusual case of murder.
Our episode is longer than usual due to some housekeeping. If you want to hit the content it starts around the 23 min mark.
First up, Susana brings us the worst case of child abuse and cruelty. After surviving brutal abuse herself as a child Louise got a fresh start with her husband David and together they had 13 beautiful children. By all accounts they should’ve had everything but in fact inside their home held a horrible secret of torture, starvation and filth.
Then Shaunelle follows with a truly unusual case of murder in which Joan Porco survived a savage attack at her home only to awaken and discover that the person she identified as the killer was one of her own. It’s a case of murder, mob ties, the wonders of the human mind and the capabilities of the human body under extreme duress.
You may think your family is dysfunctional but they have nothing on the 2 families we’re covering today.
This episode is the definition of DRAMA from beginning to end … literally. It was a whole scene editing this episode
We don’t know if we’re dealing with a return of she who shall not be named but our podcast randomly came down with a case of staticitis. Unfortunately, we didn’t detect this until it was too late.
Honestly, we like the episode so much that we decided to go forward with it even though we know it’s not perfect. You will hear static in the background during certain parts of the podcast (despite us applying noise reduction treatment etc). We recommend that during those moments of audio uncertainty (like static or softer tones) you shout “Angela Be Gone!” and soldier on with the content because Shaunelle has an epic case for you!!! Trust us, it’s worth it.
Shaunelle’s case is a doozy. Betrayal of the highest order. Balenga Kalala migrated to Australia after losing his family to conflict in the Congo and thought he finally met the woman of his dreams as well as the opportunity to move on from his trauma. Unfortunately his life with his new wife Noela Rukundo wasn’t meant to be and he suddenly found himself a widower and single father of 3. The story of what happened to his wife and in our opinion The Funeral Of The Year is all unpacked in this episode.
Then Susana follows up with the horrible case of murdered and raped 8 year old April Tinsley and the decades long search for her killer. The unbelievable story of how her killer was finally brought to justice left us with more questions than answers.
Forgive us for the audio struggles in this episode however, our love for you is the reason we’re releasing it. You deserve to hear this one !
Welcome to the Criminally Clueless Podcast Quinceañera!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you were expecting fanfare, balloons and / or joy go ahead and chuck those expectations out the window because we are, as usual, exhausted while recording this week. Technical difficulties and personal drama contributed greatly to us doing another after dark episode…..it goes without saying that we won’t be held entirely responsible for anything said during this episode.
The biggest shock of the week isn’t the fact that we managed to kick off the episode without a litany of cuss words but rather the fact that this episode can be considered somewhat of a diet or light version of our usual stuff. If you’re still recovering from the mutilation in episode 14 then this is the palate cleanse you need.
First Susana brings us a story of the lengths one man would go through to secure something he had all along….let that sink in for a minute.
Moving on, we’ll go on to say that he’s certainly not a “murder you because you saw me eat poop” kinda crappy dad but he’s up there and definitely won’t be winning any dad of the year awards.
Then Shaunelle unravels a tangled web of deceit and revenge. Ask yourself what do a successful woman, armed robbery, a police informant and an ill-informed Trini have in common? Coming up blank? then click play to hear the twists and turns of this convoluted story.
Two men, two lives governed by lies, Big Steups.
Oh and as an added treat look out for this week’s alternative sentence enhancers.
Admit it, a little perverted curiosity brought you here after you saw the promo for this week’s episode on Instagram….so you already know you’re in for some sh*t today.
As usual we are mulling over the complexities of life’s great decisions like how much money is enough money to poop on someone whilst bringing you along for the ride of this week’s cases.
First up, Shaunelle takes us on a dramatic journey into the unprovoked murder of Jeremy Warrior and the sacrifice one person was willing to make in pursuit of the “perfect murder”.
Then, Susana disrespects us all by bringing her worst case EVER! If you’re a fan and you’ve heard her cases then you know we’re not saying that lightly. She takes us through one woman’s incredible journey for justice , visibility and recovery after being brutally raped, tortured and then blatantly ignored by the Venezuelan government.
We’re not crying, you’re crying………….Who are we kidding? Pass the tissues.
Everyone better put a lil respect on the sex worker name
Susana, unsurprisingly, is pissed. Tell dem why you mad Susana!!!
We take the world’s most epic tangent in the Officer 263 case. Feel free to skip ahead if you don’t wanna be woke.
Nothing, as usual, is off the table
This week, Susana takes us through the case of an officer with a taste for sexual assault……specifically the sexual assault of middle aged black women. This predator would hunt his prey whilst performing his police duties in underserved neighborhoods. If you were to look up abuse of power in the dictionary, this jackass would most definitely pop up.
Then to lighten the mood (save the day), Shaunelle brings you three cases of increasing criminal stupidity. The masterminds of these acts deserve to be forever remembered and we hope we did them justice.
It’s a serious and seriously wild episode.
Here’s a link to the story of Stemen and his stinkin semen:
***It should be noted that there are 3 cases this week because we weren’t sure if Susana would be able to deliver on her case. Joy! she was, so now you get an extra treat
Our Halloween episode is here and we’re hitting you with the B.S straight out the gate this week. Albeit accidental, we have 3 (yes, three) tales for you…Straight up, the second tale is the most disturbing. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
Don’t let the conservative clothing fool you, it turns out that back in the day morals were more of a concept… well at least that’s what we’ve deduced after learning about these cases. The brazen manner in which these atrocious acts were committed could’ve been attributed to a lack of DNA evidence and technology. Whatever the cause they were out and bad in the old days and these 3 cases prove that point.
There’s something wrong with Peter:
Without hesitation we can conclusively say that there is (was) something in fact wrong with Peter. He took his adolescent desire for blood into his adult years and didn’t earn the title “Vampire of Dusseldorf” for nothing. Although, his crimes were enough to induce nightmares, his final words are what really creeped us out.
We’re using the word “love” because Count Blah Blah Blah probably really thought he was in love and for him that love would last a lifetime ….HIS lifetime. The ultimate story of a man unable to let go and his macabre take on the saying “rest In Peace” will all be unpacked….hey, if we can’t sleep, why should you?
Sh*t went down after Halloween
Susana gets literal and brings us a story of a friendship likely forged in the pits of hell. Two buddies successfully lured their victims for their shared gratification and in the end they committed 5 (known) murders and one “friend” ended up thrown under the bus. ***Susana forgets to mention that they were coined the Toolbox Killers. Forgive her, it’s all part of our structureless structure.
And if alllllll that isn’t enough , we’re providing unsolicited and likely incoherent dating advice at the end.
We’re all over the place with this episode. Susana’s new hairstyle, Anal Gland Expression (yikes), what colonics have in common with Star Trek and of course crime.
Susana is up first this week with another tale of injustice from where else? Mexico. Monterrey Mexico to be exact. Javier and Jorge were just a pair of best friends and enterprising young men with amazing futures ahead of them. Extremely intelligent and well rounded they were dedicated to putting in the time at school so they could reap the rewards later. Unfortunately, in a heart wrenching case of wrong place, wrong time, they would both be killed before realizing any of their dreams. Like that’s not bad enough (and because it’s a Susana case) the cover-up, the lies and the drama surrounding their deaths are the issues really up for discussion.
Then Shaunelle brings you a case of a doctor on a quest for revenge after (rightly) having his reputation and abilities as a physician questioned. Sadly, his victims would learn that getting in his way was a deadly mistake. Somebody bring a BP monitor STAT! because this Doc is salty AF and on a warpath.
***Some things to note: Susana says fire in this episode and she means firing and Shaunelle doesn’t know geography and may have confused Illinois with Indiana…whoopsie
***And because we know people will go looking for the song, here is a link to Spragga Benz’s epic Pum Pum Conqueror. I think it’s fair to say that this lyrical genius is now the creator of Susana’s favorite song